I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
