The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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