i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
