i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
