I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
