Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
