How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
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