pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
