So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
