Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
