Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Randomize
