I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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