fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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