he puts the penis in happiness.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
