Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
