checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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