I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
