Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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