My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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