duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Randomize
