Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
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From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
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I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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