One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
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Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
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Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
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