Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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