I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
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Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Can't talk, ducks in the car
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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