Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
