FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
