he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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