nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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