Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
