Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
