Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
