god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
