This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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