You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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