I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Randomize
