Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
