she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
