Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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