i would punch a child for taco bell
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
