Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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