I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
