Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
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