I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
