He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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