God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize