Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
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