hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
