Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
