Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
The adults are the big ones right?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
