I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
