I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
