she looked like the bat from fern gully.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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