The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
