you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
