On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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