A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
whose parrot is this?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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