can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
