oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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